Things to do and Not to do

Things to do:

1.       Get shit together.

2.       Get shitfaced, together with friends.

3.       Find kind, meaningful, non-narcissist friends.

4.       Pet non-dangerous animals.

5.       Flirt with non-psychotic pretty women on the street.

6.       Work on your left hand.

7.       Avoid the left-hand path.

8.       Hang out with elderly people and avoid calling them “old.”

 .       Question any and every mass shooting, and all jihadi attacks, infestations, etc. 

10.   Eat your vegetables.

 .        Kiss my grits.

12.   Regularly compliment people so as to inveigle your way into their good graces.

13.   Drive safely.

14.   Get plenty of rest.

15.   Wash your ass behind your ears.

16.   Listen politely

17.   Interrupt the speech-jabbering of Republicans, atheists, Marxists, and any self-identifying artist younger than 30.

18.   Stoically suffer the demented noise-making of children. They will soon be adults talking insufferably about nonsense and lies, and themselves and their pets and spouses and illnesses.

19.   Postpone the inevitable. It is Inevitable, after all. See if you can’t just beat it to the grave.

Things Not to do:

1. These have not yet been determined.